Anger

Why do people go to a cafe and get a paper or plastic cup?? Isn't there enough trash? I am angry! Feel this anger where my heart and throat meet. As I breathe into this anger and go towards it I am told  "to build" usually when I feel anger I want to go into fight or flight. Since I've been working with changing this response I recognize it and ask for the message. Instead of rejecting this feeling of anger or feeling shame around it I breathe into it. The voice of "bitch please" has been with me all month. Anger use to scare me. I thought of it being overpowering and if I felt into it it would become me, all of me. My first weekend in Bosnia Herzegovina I was asked to film a band called Mother's Chainsaw. It was a heavy metal band. I'd never filmed anything but had a camera and they were going to pay me half of my rent so I said yes. I wore high heel boots a black leather jacket and red lipstick because that is what you wear to a heavy metal concert? My friend Miki set up everything for me on a tripod on top of a speaker. All I had to do was stand on the speaker and press a button. Before the concert I met the band who were surprisingly the sweetest men. The lead singer oozed positivity and had a baby face. They got on stage and screamed the lyrics jumping around as a smokey hall of Balkan men with long hair smashed into each other. I was grateful to be above on the speaker. The concert was fun and allowed a contained environment for people to express their anger. Living in Bosnia Herzegovina taught me the beauty in the sadness, that all parts of me are ok and lovable; the anger, shame, guilt, that I rejected just wanted to be integrated. We are humans. We feel and allowing yourself to feel into the uncomfortable shadow side will allow for more joy.